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c : culture@list.purple.com 5 December 2005 • 10:59PM -0500

[Culture] Condi Visits Secret CIA Camps in Europe, Tells Brits to "Back Off"
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Condi Visits Secret CIA Camps in Europe, Tells Brits to "Back Off"
Dec 5 2005 by Ross Bender
Results
Do YOU think the CIA is running torture prisons in New Europe?
Yes, only because Old Europe wanted too much cash: 50.0%
No, because New Europe is new!: 16.7%
Maybe, if the New York Times ever writes about it: 33.3%

US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice visited secret CIA detention camps in
Europe this week and told EU heads of state to "mind their own f***ing
business." Her tour comes after growing opposition in the UK and on the continent to
the American practices of extreme rendition and ghost detention.

At Buckingham Palace over tea and kippers with the Queen, Sir Mick Jagger and
Foreign Secretary Jack Straw, Rice told Sir Mick that she was a "big fan" and
particularly liked his song "Under My Thumbscrews." She also informed Straw
that he "can eat my knickers," pointedly rejecting his mild-mannered criticism
of American torture practices in Europe.

After tea Rice took British Prime Minister Tony Blair for a short stroll in
St. James Park on his leash.

In Romania Rice visited the Mihail Kogalniceanu Dark Site, where Muslim
prisoners have secretly been held since the beginning of the Afghanistan war. Rice
inspected the facility, where naked Arab terrorists are held in cells
maintained at constant temperatures of 49 degrees Fahrenheit and subjected to 24/7
broadcasts of Frank Sinatra's "My Way."

Saying that she wanted to be sure that prisoners were "cozy" and being
well-treated, she entered several cells and personally delivered fruit baskets from
President Bush, and also playfully twisted the nipples of one or two Muslims
hanging from the ceiling with CIA-approved steel pliers.

>From Romania the Secretary went by special unmarked Learjet to the Grasnky
Dansk Ghost Site in Poland, where Arabs are interrogated by specially trained
Serbian glottopsychiatrists using "unique and innovative methods." The prisoners
greeted her with Christmas carols and presented her with a special full-size
waterboard made out of human skulls.

Rice's tour ended in the catacombs below the Vatican where Pope Benedict
"Biggis" Dickus escorted her to the "rumpus rooms" where naked Muslim men were
being branded on the butt with heated coat-hangers.

"I wasn't expecting the Spanish Inquisition," said Rice, looking pleased. She
bestowed one of her designer leather bras on the Pope for his faithful
service to the Empire, joking that "I trust you'll find this useful."


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