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c : 17 December 2005 • 12:03AM -0500

[Culture] Schwarzenegger Auctions Tookie's Dickie to Balance Budget
by Benseraglio2


Schwarzenegger Auctions Tookie's Penis, Kidneys to Balance California Budget

Dec 16 2005 by Ross Bender

Do YOU think organs should be harvested to recover budget shortfalls?
Yes, because I'm an organ donor: 20.0%
No, because I'm an organ grinder: 40.0%
I can't hear "organ" without snickering: 20.0%
Saying "organ" isn't funny! "Organ!" See? Nothing.: 0.0%
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!: 20.0%

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger announced today that he will put
the penis, kidneys, liver and other vital organs of the recently deceased Crips
gang founder Stanley "Tookie" Williams up for auction on eBay in an effort to
balance the state budget.

Schwarzenegger recently returned from a trip to China where he was impressed
by the "harvesting" of organs from executed prisoners for sale on the
international black market for transplants.

"It vas fantastic," said the enthusiastic Governor, speaking to the
California Farm Bureau Federation's 87th Annual Meeting in Monterey. "Der Chinks simply
don't let anything go to vaste. Chust think - Tookie's dickie all by itself
could provide agricultural subsidies for Santa Monica for a whole year."

In special elections last month, Schwarzenegger propositioned the voters to
legalize frotteurism, transcendental levitation, alternate side of the street
parking, over-the-counter triglycerides, subliminal ass-grabbing, 200-year
mortgages, cheeseparing, long division, botulism, unlicensed water taxis, imported
hair extensions, Sunday mud-wrestling, and man-on-dog sex.

All seventeen propositions were soundly defeated, some by margins of as high
as 20 percent. His high-profile rejection of clemency for Williams was seen by
some observers as an attempt to recapture the political initiative and shore
up his sagging grassroots conservative base.

The controversial execution, which lasted for 27 hours as executioners
searched for a vein in which to inject lethal serum, was opposed by protestors as
disparate as rapper Snoop Doggy Dogg, South African Bishop Desmond Tutu, Joan
Baez, Bianca Jagger, the Reverend Jesse Jackson, and the late Estes Kefauver.

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Ross Bender

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