In Election Surprise, Iraqis Choose Jennifer Aniston
Dec 21 2005 by Ross Bender
Who did YOU vote for in the Iraqi election?
Jennifer Aniston: 33.3%
I'm American, I couldn't vote: 0.0%
I'm a black American, the GOP wouldn't let me vote: 16.7%
I'm a Muslim American, and Bill O'Reilly hates me: 0.0%
I'm an atheist, and Barbara Walters hates me: 50.0%
In a remarkable surprise ending to the long-awaited Iraqi Presidential
elections, American actress Jennifer Aniston easily outpolled the opposition in what
is shaping up as a landslide. Although all votes will not be counted for
several years, exit polls were showing Aniston with 78% of the votes in the
greater Baghdad metropolitan area, and strong performances in some outlying
provinces as well.
Aniston did well among Shiite, Kurd and Sunni men, Shiite soccer moms,
minority Turkomens and even Assyrian Christians, who were expected to vote heavily
for Pamela Anderson. Boris Johnson, who did well in Basra, was running a
UN observers reported a surprising lack of violence in the run-up to the
election, although there were some reports of high levels of Xanax in the water
supply of major Iraqi cities.
Man on the street Ahmed Chalabi-al-Wallabee commented: "Ever since I saw the
picture on the cover of GQ, I knew she was the babe for me. Heh."
Aniston's picture has been featured prominently in the Iraqi press for the
past few months, although Pentagon sources denied that the American military had
paid Iraqi journalists to plant favorable stories about the actress and perky
The only hint of dissatisfaction with the election results came as the
al-Mahdi Army of Muqtada Sadr Sadr Fo-Fadr Banana-banana Bo Badr blew up several
McDonald's restaurants and an oil field in Najaf. A spokesman for Bo Badr said
that while "Jen has a nice rack and a pleasing personality, all in all we would
have preferred Angelina Jolie."
Get DeadBrain delivered to your Inbox! Click here to sign up at our parent
site. Consider the weekly and monthly editions, each of which contain all-new,
laugh-out-loud office comedy you won't see on the website!